Boundaries

Honesty, I have learned, from the hard way, has its limitations. It played a part in wrecking a near- perfect marriage. Although, on the upside, it is also the reason why Matt and I remain the best of friends. Throughout it all, there was a deep sense of respect, and no party ever doubted the other person's integrity even in the darkest hours. A big part of it is that in the times that we were together, every second of our feelings for each other was ompletely and utterly real. Our love for each other was so total, and genuine. I am not a romantic person by nature, and I measure love not in esoteric terms but by one's willingness to donate a physical organ. I would, in fact, still give Matt a kidney to save his life. In a second, without a blink of the eye. You just need to tell me where to sign. I am pretty sure he would do the same for me.

I think this is the part that people have the hardest time undertanding. If we still like each other so much, they wonder outloud, why aren't we together? WHAT HAPPENED?

Randomness. Another word for love. Don't ask me to explain it. I don't have any answers.

Matt says it's timing. At one time, we had the perfect timing. And then we didn't. And this, would be the complicated and messy thing called life.

Going forward, I need to learn to have more boundaries. I don't know why I feel the need to divulge every detail of my life, but I guess it's because I have always been driven by a sense of justice. Even when justice means that it works against me. My mantra has been that I don't care about cruelty---I prefer honesty. Although, this hasn't really served me well lately. I am open to a new life philosophy in which to live my life by.

Wide open.

*This post is dedicated to Matt, my one-time husband who is now I guess my ex? You are still, the best thing that ever happened to me (besides the puppy). May we always have the same respect for each other, even if remaining close becomes an impossibility. I only hope that I have given you as much as you have given me.

Re-start

It's been....more than a year since I last posted on this Azuki blog. One reason was that I got really busy with work and social life here, after finally having a social networking in NY in which to have a life for. Another reason was that things got kind of sidetracked in my life, and I sort of lost focus for awhile. Wait, did I say my life was sidetracked? Let me re-engineer that thought. My life was derailed like a freakin transformer machine had just bitch-slapped a speeding train, causing massive internal injuries for all on board. In between there was a lot of pain, distance, and for some inexplicable reasons, some bed bugs involved. And then a lot of money spent moving as a result of the bed bugs. I will actually coin bb as THE WORST THING THAT CAN HAPPEN TO A HUMAN BEING beyond violent crimes, torture, lost of a loved one, natural disaster, kidnappings...wait, okay a lot of bad things come before bed bugs but they are pretty freakin bad!

But I digress...

I won't go into the details of what actually happened, because well, this is a public blog which my mother reads and i really don't need to upset her more than I already have. Except my mother knows what happened. So I'll just summarize as SHIT HAPPENS. AND THEN WE DIE. THE END. Woa, who knew writing it all out can be so therapeutic!?!

In any case, this blog will now take somewhat of a dark sharp turn, and go from the ironic but uplifting chronicling the adventures of a young wife with a new puppy in a foreign city, to the cynical and ambivalent life of a newly separated single woman squarely in her 30s, barely able to pay her rent in the big apple. Life with Azuki, the crazy puppy, is still crazy because of the puppy. The puppy does not change. But now I am a single mom with a crazy grown dog in a insane city called New York.

And no, the life of single woman in NY is NOT like Sex in the City. You need money, time, and well, sex, to have that. Dude, I'm just living in the city, doing my own thing!


p.s. Azuki is doing great. She continues to get more attention than she deserves (although she doesn't think so), more love and resources than children in many countries will ever see. she is still the pain in the ass, and and the joy of my life!